


There's No Map

by Marzipan0



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Blackmail, Depression, Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempts, Treebros is endgame, bad language, embeded audio, evan starts with his crush on Zoe, everyone is their own villain, fanfiction musical, feeling unworthy of friendship, feeling unworthy of love, jared pines for evan, mild violence, musical fanfiction, play the music, pretend friends to friends to boyfriends, reference to suicide, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-06-30 16:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15755898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marzipan0/pseuds/Marzipan0
Summary: At the prompting of the computer lab monitor, Evan goes after Connor to retrieve his letter. Connor returns the letter, but keeps a picture of the letter that he threatens to post online if Evan doesn't agree to have lunch with him for the rest of the school year. Without seeing any other viable option, Evan agrees.





	1. Does Anybody Want Me Here?

**Author's Note:**

> This deals with the heavy themes from Dear Evan Hansen. Please proceed with caution. I've put the warning in the tags, let me know if I missed any.

September 4, 2018

Connor took a deep breath and entered the school. This was going to be the worse day ever. He flattened his hair strategically in front of his face, glad his parents had finally stopped policing his appearance. It was much nicer to have something to hide behind.

The only thing that would make today better was if he could still have his phone and music. Well, he would also like for his stash of pot to not have been confiscated, but his parents took care of that. He had to deal with the jerks in his year without any coping mechanisms. That always went well. NOT.

He walked down the hall. Only five more minutes until class when someone will poke him in the back with their pencil or kick his chair until he explodes. Always how it went. Wonder when the freshmen will pick up on the rumors, violent Connor plans on bringing a gun to school. If he had a gun, he definitely wouldn’t be using it to shoot up a school.

He almost ran into someone. It was Evan, Evan Hansen.

He couldn’t breathe. He waved at Evan, _as if they were friends!_ He was totally still high. Evan never noticed him and this time was no different.

He made it to the end of the hall and only a minute had passed. Great. Four more minutes until he could go to class and wait for the rest of the horrors of the day. Was this how he was going to spend the rest of the day? Year? Life?

He turned and continued moving. If he stopped he would be a target. Keep moving, it was the best tactic.

“Hey, Connor!” A male voice pulled Connor from his angry pacing through the halls. He stopped.

“I’m loving the new hair length—”

A guy noticed him. Jared Kleinman? Maybe he should have fought for his long hair—

“—very school shooter chic.”

Of course. It wasn’t a compliment. This was his classmates’ weird form of chicken. Let’s play with Connor until he explodes. He glared with all the hatred boiling just under the surface. He could keep his cool. Just one more day and it would be all over.

“I’m kidding. It was a joke.” Jared said, egging Connor on.

“Yeah, no,” Connor found himself saying, luckily he wasn’t yelling. He had no clue why he hadn’t snapped yet. “It was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

Jared laughed. “You’re such a freak.” Then he left.

Connor stared at the empty space, glad that Jared hadn’t pushed him anymore. He should have snapped, but didn’t. Was that improvement?

But then he could still hear laughter and that was the last straw.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Connor rounded on the audience laughing at his expense.

“What?”

Feigned innocence was the worst! Rage boiled through every vein.

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“I’m not.”

It was Evan. He just blew up at Evan.

“You think I’m a freak?”

Shit! Shit! Shit! Evan thought he was a freak. He was with Jared and Walt and them in thinking he was going to kill them.

“I’m not the freak,” he found himself speaking over whatever Evan was saying, tears were brimming in his eyes now. “You’re the fucking freak!”

His hands were filled with warmth and Evan was on the ground. FUCK!

Connor ran to the bathroom and slammed the stall door closed behind him. Tears were falling from his face, hopefully no one saw them on his way here. He kicked the toilet and punched the stall wall.

Someone scrambled out of the bathroom. This would be the rumor to start the year. Connor bullied poor Evan Hansen and then started destroying the bathroom.

Fuck, fuck fuck! He shoved Evan Hansen. What was he thinking? Evan fucking Hansen.

Connor was leaning his face against the stall door, pounding with his fist to hide the sound of his sobs. He wanted Evan to notice him, but not in that way.

The bell rang and Connor remained in the bathroom. No one wanted him in class anyway. He would just end up hurting someone else.

Connor was sitting on the toilet when the PA system made an announcement.

“Connor Murphy, please make your way to the office. Connor Murphy, please come to the office.”

He hadn’t even gone to his first class and he was already in trouble. There was no way this year was going to be worth all the pain.

 

He passed Zoe on his way into the office. She pretended not to notice him, as usual at school.

“Connor Murphy,” the principal said as Connor entered the office. “Is it true that you shoved Evan Hansen today?”

Connor sighed and took his usual seat in front of the desk as he nodded in response to the question.

“Were you aware that Evan Hansen suffers from acute social anxiety disorder?”

Connor shrugged.

“Well, he does and your behavior today only makes it harder on him.”

Connor sunk lower into his seat at the thought that he made Evan’s day worse. Evan had a harder time at everything than him and here he was pushing him around. Connor was a jerk, that surprised no one.

“For your behavior, you will serve in-school-suspension for the rest of today. I—I know you don’t mean to be this way…Why don’t you try and be friends with Evan? He needs them just as much as you.”

Connor didn’t reply. He hadn’t thought that Evan was friendless. He saw him with Jared or Alana or Zoe on the rare occasion. Being friends with Evan sounded nice.

“Well, make your way to detention. You know the way.”

The detention room was empty. This was going to be much better than being in class with everyone else.

 

When the bell for the end of the day rang, Connor had decided that he would try to be friends with Evan. There was a lot weighing on it for him, but he could try. Tomorrow. Evan was a nice boy, it might take a while, but he might forgive Connor for what he did.

He had to wait for Zoe to finish whatever practice she had so he headed to the computer lab. The computer lab was nice on the first day because no one was there because they didn’t have any real homework yet. It would be less nice when it got crowded once more.

The lab was empty except for the monitor who had their own headphones in watching a TV show. Connor opened a video and was about to play it out loud in the lab since his headphones were all confiscated, but at that moment the lab door opened.

It was Evan Hansen. He gave a shrug-wave to Connor as he made his way to a computer station. He noticed him. Evan Hansen noticed him.

Connor couldn’t help but watch Evan as he worked on something. He was dumb to be pinning after someone he had nothing in common with and he had only been mean to in prior interactions. He looked and noticed that Evan had a cast on his left arm.

Shit! Had he broken Evan’s arm this morning? No…there was no way Evan would be back at school already if that was the case, would he?

Connor sunk his head into his hands. He must have. This was why Principal Ekerds had been so mad with him. The principal also told him to go and try to make friends with Evan, but how could he do that if he was responsible for the cast on his arm?

He watched Evan as he tried to come up with a myriad of ways to talk to Evan to try and be friends. All of them avoided apologizing because that would be too hard. He remembered when he broke his arm in elementary school and people signed his cast…maybe he could offer to sign Evan’s cast?

He examined Evan’s cast and realized that no one had signed it. That had to mean that you didn’t get people to sign your cast when you were in high school. Signing casts was an immature thing to do. He couldn’t go up and ask to sign Evan’s cast.

The printer went off. Connor looked to the lab monitor and then to Evan. The lab monitor was still watching his TV show, it had to be Evan’s paper. Evan looked distressed.

Connor looked to the printer. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to grab his paper for him. It was a nice thing to do. Then he could simply ask about how Evan broke his arm. Small talk. He could do this.

He picked up the paper from the printer and headed to Evan, taking a deep breath before approaching Evan.

“So, um, what happened to your arm?”

Evan turned, surprised to see Connor there.

Connor took a deep breath because it was suddenly really difficult to breathe.

“Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually.”

The deep breath had been a bad idea because now he was laughing. Laughing at Evan’s expense.

“You fell out of a tree? That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” stumbled out of Connor’s mouth. It was true, but it wasn’t nice. He could never control himself. He was always such a jerk!

Evan gave a nervous chuckle. “I know.”

Both of their laughing suddenly stopped leaving an empty silence. Connor looked at his cast since Evan’s face was making him nervous.

“No one’s signed your cast,” he said because his mind went to the previous debate on what he should or should not say.

“No, I know,” Evan said, rubbing it self-consciously.

“I’ll sign it,” Connor suggested, avoiding looking up into Evan’s face. Screw this being an immature activity. Connor was immature. He was going to go all in. Maybe seeing Connor’s name might make Evan think more fondly of him later, wasn’t there something about the psychology of familiar things?

“Oh, um…you don’t have to,” Evan said, trying to blow it off.

Connor patted his pockets realizing that his parents had stopped letting him have Sharpies after he got in trouble for vandalizing stuff at school.

“Do you have a Sharpie?”

Evan looked him over for a moment. It was coming. The moment of rejection when his hand of friendship would be rejected.

But then Evan reached into his pocket and pulled out a sharpie.

Connor took the sharpie from him and opened it. The scent hit his nose and it was like they were back in elementary school. He started writing his name, thinking of his marker set with all the colors.

He finished and closed the marker. The scent was gone and he realized he was in high school, with no friends, trying to make friends with the boy he bullied, and that he had just written his name in all-caps across the entirety of his cast. What was he doing? Trying to claim Evan?

“Oh, great,” Evan said, examining Connor’s work. “Thanks.”

Evan thought that Connor had been ridiculous too. This was the end of any hope of a friendship with Evan.

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” Connor said gruffly, hoping to play it off. He needed to get out before he made it worse.

There was an awkward silence before Evan reached out for the marker and replied, “Good point.”

Oh shit, Evan really needed someone, but Connor wasn’t that person. He was too coarse to be friends with Evan. He turned to leave the computer lab when he noticed he still had the paper from the printer.

Connor checked the top of it to make sure it actually belonged to Evan before forcing himself to interact with him anymore. The top of it read, “ _Dear Evan Hansen_.”

_Of course, Evan has friends, just not here._

“Is this yours?” Connor said, holding out the paper. “I found it on the printer.”

When Evan didn’t immediately respond, Connor feared that he knew that Connor picked it up as an excuse to talk to him, his crush. He had to make this less weird.

 “’Dear Evan Hansen,’ that’s your name, right?” Connor asked as if he hadn’t been thinking about how beautiful a name it was.

Evan’s face flashed in fear. Why would Connor handing him his printed letter make him fear? Did he have a secret boyfriend? That would be an interesting turn of events…

“Oh, that’s just a stupid….it’s a paper I had to write for, a, um, for an assignment…” Evan stuttered as Connor looked at the paper.

The first thing that caught his eye was the Z in the second paragraph, Zoe. Zoe? That was his sister’s name.

“’Because there’s Zoe.’” Connor read out loud without realizing it. Shit. “Is this about my sister?”

“ _Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope if pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all_.” Connor read to himself.

Pinned on Zoe. Partially sexual and moderately creepy, but Connor knew Evan and Zoe had talked a few times. That means it was fake, a fake letter written so he would find it.

“You wrote this because you knew I would find it.” Connor said, pieces coming together. This morning with Jared. Evan was in with Jared.

“What?” Evan replied again. He had done this earlier when Jared had called him a school shooter. He wasn’t actually alone and friendless, he was teamed up in playing Connor Chicken.

“You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and printed it out, so I would find it.” Connor said, realizing there was no other explanation.

“Why—?”

“So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?” Connor said, his voice rising as he realized Evan was just another one of the people who wished Connor didn’t exist. “And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?”

“No, wait. I don’t even…what?” Evan said.

Connor’s heart broke. Here he was trying to make amends and really Evan was the one bullying him and no one could see that.

“FUCK YOU!” Connor shouted and ran out of the room, once again hiding tears as he ran from the room.

He ran to the bathroom and locked the main door. The principal lied. Evan didn’t need friends, he had friends. Tears were already streaming down his face.

_No, keep it together. You’re overreacting. There has to be a better way to interpret this._

He looked down to the base of the letter to see the name of who had sent the letter:

“Sincerely your best and most dearest friend, Me.”

That wasn’t helpful _._ Well, maybe the Zoe thing wasn’t so creepy if he read the entire letter?

“Dear Evan Hansen, It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because…why would it be?”

_Shit. Sweet Evan Hansen forged a suicide note for me._

_CONNOR_

_Is there any other way that I can take this?_

_Have I fucked up life so much that there’s no one who wants me here?_

_Maybe this year I can end, everyone’s problems before I offend again_

_So they won’t have to deal with me._

_Oh fuck! I shoved him and most likely broke his arm and then demanded that he permit me to sign his cast…really big, like trying to claim him big. Everyone is going to see, everyone is going to ask him and he will have to explain that the person who broke his arm forced him to let him write on his cast. FUCK! Why was I so stupid!_

Connor looked down to the letter to try and find something to distract from that horrible realization.

“ _Oh, I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all.”_

“ _I wish everything was different. I wish that I was part of…Something. I wish that anything I said….Mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?”_

There was one line that jumped out at Connor as the thesis statement of Evan’s forged suicide note.

“I wish everything was different,” Connor read aloud.

 

CONNOR

_The only line in here that’s by him and for him._

_An honest line that notes I’m hurting him or someone else every day._

_I knew I shouldn’t’ve come to school today_

_Can’t find a way to stop_

_Does anybody want me here?_

_Anybody maybe happen to know how the fuck to stop this?_

_I don’t know if life take luck, but I just can’t do anything right_

_So where’s the end?_

_I need to stop._

_‘Cause the scary truth is, I’m just a jerk_

_And I’m fucking everyone up as I go._


	2. Each Day's Another Wrong Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the prompting of the computer lab monitor, Evan goes after Connor to retrieve his letter. Connor returns the letter, but keeps a picture of the letter that he threatens to post online if Evan doesn't agree to have lunch with him for the rest of the school year. Without seeing any other viable option, Evan agrees.

September 4, 2018

Evan stood in the computer lab staring at the closing lab door at the retreating back of Connor through the glass of the door.

“I really need that back,” Evan repeated to the closed door as Connor made his way into the bathroom down the hall. “Please?”

He had already packed all his things. His mother would be here any minute and Dr. Sherman would be very upset if Evan showed up without a letter. It would be the second time and Evan did not want to be met with the same disappointment as last time. It was unbearable.

Evan looked at the computer and debated if he had time to write another letter…but he really didn’t want to write another letter. It was exhausting trying to figure out what to say. He was already exhausted from writing the letter Connor stole.

“Go and ask for your homework back,” the lab monitor said, making Evan jump from the sudden acknowledgement of his presence. “If he doesn’t give it back, tell me and I’ll set the principal on him.”

Evan nodded. Then realized he agreed to listen to this person’s advice and would have to go and follow it or have to endure them staring at him forever wondering why he never listened to their solid advice. He left the lab and began making his way to the bathroom, slowly.

_EVAN_

_Another promising first day ends with disaster_

_One person signed my cast_

_And then he stole my letter_

_And now I have to get it back._

_I don’t even know where to begin,_

_Each day’s another wrong turn._

_Does anybody have a map?_

_Anybody maybe happen to know how the hell to do this?_

_I don’t know if you can tell,_

_But I have no clue what to do._

_So where’s the answer?_

_I need a clue._

_‘Cause I have no clue_

_How to do anything right._

Evan pulled on the bathroom door, but it was locked. He knocked.

No answer.

Of course this was how it was going to go.

“It shouldn’t be locked already,” a voice came from behind him, making him jump again.

Evan looked behind him to see a teacher. Words just came tumbling out of his mouth in excuse.

“It wasn’t, Connor’s…Someone’s in the using…I need locked…I mean it’s locked and I need Con—”

“Let me,” the teacher said, pushing Evan aside.

Evan bounced on his toes and played with his shirt as the teacher knocked on the door. His knock sounded loud and professional. Were there professional door knockers? If there were, this teacher would be a good one.

“Open up,” the teacher barked through the door. “If you need privacy use the stalls. The bathrooms need to be available to everyone. There’s another boy out here who needs to use the restroom.”

Evan felt his face turn red as the door to the bathroom unlocked. He really didn’t need to use the bathroom, but if the teacher followed him in to talk to Connor, he would have to pretend to use the bathroom so he wouldn’t contradict what he said.

Evan heard the click of the door unlocking and immediately pushed to open it. He was relieved when he saw that the teacher didn’t follow him in. He didn’t want to have to pretend to use the bathroom. He needed to try and get his letter back and get out to the pick-up loop because his mother was likely already waiting for him.

Then he was in front of Connor again and Connor was staring at him like a mangy dog staring at a trespassing stranger. Evan suddenly remembered that he was supposed to get his letter back from Connor.

“Sorry, I, um, uh please, can I have it back?” Evan asked. “The letter. Sorry, uh, can I have my letter back please?”

Just then his phone began to ring. Evan quickly pulled it out and saw that it was his mother. He quickly responded.

“I’m coming, sorry. I’m in the bathroom. I’ll hurry up. Loveyoubye.”

As he hung up, Connor reached out and took the phone from his hand. Evan stared at him in shock. First his letter and now his phone?

Connor then started doing something with the letter and the phone. Evan stared trying to figure it out and then felt really dumb when he realized that he was taking a picture of his letter. Connor was taking a picture of his therapy letter. Crap.

“I’ll post this to the internet,” Connor said, handing the letter back, “If you don’t have lunch with me for the rest of the school year.”

Evan stared. This was why Connor wanted to take a picture of his letter. He wanted to show everyone in school how crazy Evan was and how Evan was obsessed with Zoe, when he really wasn’t it was just a crush, but it did really feel like everything hung on his ability to make friends with the person he had a crush on. The only option to not let Zoe think that he was obsessed in more than the normal crush-way was to have lunch with Connor. It wasn’t like Evan had anyone to sit with at lunch anyway.

“Um, sorry, um, where?” Evan asked as Connor shoved his phone into his casted hand. He noticed the image had sent to an unsaved number.

Connor’s glossy eyes widened.

“I’ll meet you at your locker,” Connor said quickly before pushing past Evan out into the hallway.

EVAN

_Does anybody have a map?_

_Anybody maybe happen to know what the hell just happened?_

_I don’t know if I’m in trouble or if I just avoided a fight?_

_I need a clue_

_‘cause I don’t have a clue_

_I’m flying blind_

_I’m flying—_

_And my mom’s waiting for me, I better go._

_I better go_

| 

CONNOR

_Anybody want me here?_

_Anybody else want to tell me to go and off myself?_

_I thought Evan would be different, but I was just fooling myself_

_So where’s the end?_

_Maybe he will see that_

_I’m not a jerk,_

_That I’m not a jerk!_

_Who fucks everyone up as I go._

_As I go._

~~  
~~  
  
---|---  
  
Evan pushed the door open and was relieved to see that Connor had already run off. He wasn’t sure how to handle seeing him again before whatever happened at lunch tomorrow. He shoved his phone into his pocket and ran to the parent pickup loop.

His mother was there and Evan had taken so long that she had opened his door. Evan worried about how long it had been open and losing the air conditioning of the car to the outdoor air. Then he worried about an armed robber climbing in and threatening his mother, hijacking the car and forcing her to drive to Bolivia.

“Do you have your letter for Dr. Sherman?” Mom asked as he climbed in the open door.

Evan nodded, setting it face down on the arm rest between the two front seats. He closed the door and his mother started driving before he had his seatbelt on. He began to panic, but managed to take a deep breath and reach for the seatbelt. This was a consequence for being late. He could manage.

He buckled his seat belt and then took his letter back and put it on his lap, trying hard to not think about everything that had just happened with Connor.

“Who’s Connor?” His mother asked, sending Evan’s heartbeat through the roof.

How did she know about Connor? Had the principal called her about Connor bullying him this morning? Had Zoe talked to his mother? Were Zoe and his mother secretly friends and it would be immensely awkward when he tried to ask her out because then his mother would talk to her the entire time? Had she actually come into the school and seen the whole scene with Connor?

“The Connor who signed your cast? Is he a friend? I don’t remember him.”

“Oh, um,” Evan looked down at his cast and saw Connor’s giant name staring back up at him. He had forgotten all about it in the chaos of Connor taking the letter. He wasn’t sure what to say about Connor.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” mother said.

Evan sensed the tiny bit of hurt in her voice. It made him feel guilty, but if he told her the truth about how Connor bullied him this morning and then forced Evan to let him sign his cast and then stole his therapy letter and then threatened to post it if Evan didn’t eat lunch with him, she would hurt more and call the principal and make Evan’s life worse because by that point Connor would post the letter for breaking the unspoken rule about telling other people about the deal and—

“But I hope you will tell Dr. Sherman all about it,” she continued, pulling Evan from his thoughts. “You will tell Dr. Sherman about your friend Connor, right?”

Evan nodded because he couldn’t disagree with his mother, but he wasn’t going to tell Dr. Sherman and he wasn’t worried about his mother finding out about the lie. If there was one thing he knew and understood about meeting with Dr. Sherman was that whatever they spoke about didn’t leave the room unless Evan approved it first. She would never know whether or not he spoke to Dr. Sherman about Connor. And right now, the last thing Evan wanted to talk about was Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the posting schedule I intended. I intended at least bi-weekly updates starting the week I posted the first chapter. Unfortunately I caught the flu and that makes it difficult to do things, especially sing. The timing of the flu was very poor for my fanfiction because I was hoping to use this past week and the previous week to be over-productive to make up for the next two weeks were I will be at rehearsal everyday. So, I will shoot for weekly updates until I have caught up. Thank you for bearing with me.


	3. Everything You Do Has Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor learns about the consequences of the letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploaded Oct 2, 2018

September 5, 2018

Connor had no clue why he had decided to stick around for another day. He had been hoping that somehow a friendship would magically appear between him and Evan and then turn into something more, but Evan wished Connor would go and kill himself. Why was he fooling himself into thinking that something good would come out of having lunch with Evan? Hell, would Evan even show up?

Connor walked down the hallway towards Evan’s locker. It wasn’t like he was actively trying to remember the location of his crush's locker, he just remembered where it was. He stopped at the locker and kicked the base.

He should apologize to Evan for yesterday. Tell him the deal was off. Of course it would be hard for Evan to believe that because Connor didn’t have his phone and so couldn’t delete the picture of the letter he sent himself, but if Evan only had lunch with him because he was forced, wouldn’t that be worse than having lunch alone?

Connor kicked the locker harder than he intended and could feel the collective alarm as bystanders jumped away from him. Here he was, waiting at Evan’s locker for him, making a debacle of himself. He turned and stormed away from his unwanted audience.

He went outside and headed to his favorite spot in the woods between the school, the baseball fields, and the practice football fields. Who knew why they kept it there, but it was a nice place to hide and smoke pot.

He entered _his_ clearing and found a couple involved in some hanky-panky that made him uncomfortable. There was a part of him that wanted to get back at Kassie and Walt for the rumor that the only reason Connor got in trouble was because he had a crush on Principal Ekerds, but he was feeling too ashamed of yesterday with Evan to stir up trouble with them. He turned and wandered back into the school.

The cutting remarks from Kassie, Walt, and Jared started swirling in his mind. Next school shooter, nuisance, closet homophobe, fag, peeping tom, nazi, troll, that he would look nicer after falling off a 20-story building, that—

“Mr. Murphy,” an adult voice commanded, stopping Connor’s angry pacing of the hallways. “I need to see you in my office.”

Connor was pulled from his thoughts and once he processed what had been said to him, he saw the retreating back of the principal. What had he done to earn a meeting with the principal today? He hadn’t done anything yet. Was Connor getting detention as a preventative measure?

Connor followed because, honestly, detention sounded better than dealing with the day and the chance that he might run into Kleinman. Besides, he was still hurting after the compliment turned insult. In this mood he might punch Kleinman before he had a chance to open his mouth.

“Have a seat, Connor,” the principal said the moment they made it into the office. “I have something very important to discuss with you about Evan.”

There was no way that Principal Ekerds could know about what happened yesterday. Evan hadn’t even had time to come to school yet.

“Evan?” Connor asked tentatively like he didn’t know which Evan in the entire school Principal Ekerds could be talking about.

“Evan Hansen,” the principal replied sternly.

The principal knew about the blackmailing. He was going to be expelled and then arrested. “Shit,” Connor accidentally let slip from his mouth. 

 

 

_PRINCIPAL EKERDS_

_This really is some heavy news_

_Believe me, I’m not trying to accuse._

_But this can’t leave my office, please._

“It’s not like I’m going to talk,” Connor replied, thinking why the hell would the principal think he would go around telling people he blackmailed Evan into having lunch with him? Everyone already thought he was a terrible person, he didn’t really want to confirm the rumors himself.

 

_PRINCIPAL EKERDS_

_The only reason I’m telling you_

_Is because Evan asked for you to know._

This wasn’t sounding like Connor was in trouble for blackmailing Evan, but this seemed really weird.

“Evan Hansen asked for me?” Connor asked. What in the world was going on?

 

_PRINCIPAL EKERDS_

_We spoke yesterday about his need for friends_

_I told you to make amends for bullying._

_But now I can’t sit and pretend_

_That your actions don’t transcend the here and now._

“Cut to the chase already,” Connor interrupted. He wanted to know what message Evan Hansen had for him that was worthy to pass through the principal.

His interruption pulled the principal from the poetic prose into strict authoritative words.

“Evan Hansen is at Ellis Medical under suicide watch and requested that you would be made aware of the situation.”

Connor felt like his heart had been hit by a sledge hammer. That couldn’t be right. Evan wasn’t suicidal, Connor was the one who was supposed to kill himself because he caused all the trouble. Evan was just cute and adorable and sweet and not trouble. This couldn’t be right.

“What?”

 

_PRINCIPAL EKERDS_

_Everything you do has consequences_

_You’ve pushed Evan past his common senses_

_Now death seems better than seeing you_

_Did you even have a clue?_

_I know when you’re a young adult_

_It seem like it’s just a small insult, that words can’t hurt anyone_

_But life is driven by thoughts and fears_

_Words do more than bring on tears, they can destroy._

Then Connor remembered, “Like a letter?”

 

_PRINCIPAL EKERDS_

_It was exactly a letter_

_He thought nothing could get better, but that’s a lie_

_You will stop bullying him, please_

_Help him to feel at ease, and this will all pass_

The principal put their hand on Connor’s shoulder.

_PRINCIPAL EKERDS_

_You can do this._

 

“What do you expect me to do?” Connor asked.

“Be nice and try to be his friend when he finally gets out of suicide watch,” the principal said. “And especially try to not hurt him, physically or emotionally.”

Connor nodded nervously. “When will he be back?”

“I don’t think he will make it back to school until Monday. Don't worry about it until then, just be sure to not tell anyone. Most of the teachers don’t even know.” The bell rang. “Now get to class, I pulled you in early to not draw any attention to your or Evan’s absence.”

Connor got up as soon as he was granted permission and rushed out of the office. His mind had no clue how to process the information that Principal Ekerds had told him. There was no way Evan was under suicide watch. Maybe some people thought he was weird, but he never caused any trouble.

Then it finally clicked. The letter. Evan Hansen forged a suicide note in behalf of Connor and then the note was found in his possession and rather than reveal that he had written it to tell Connor to off himself, he took the fall as if it had been his own letter. That also answered the question as to why Evan specifically asked for Connor to know. If Evan really had been suicidal, there was no reason he would want to tell Connor, right?

_What if Evan was suicidal and he wrote the letter for himself and it was only because you intervened that he reached out to someone for help, which is why he wanted you to know that you saved him._

No, that would be dumb. Connor only made things worse, not better. There was no way that he somehow managed to save Evan…but it was a romantic thought…

 

_…Connor knocks the bottle of pills from Evan’s hand, taking Evan’s hands and pulling them to his heart._

_“Don’t do this! My world will go dark without your light!”_

_“What? I matter to you?”_

_“More than matter, you are my world!”_

_“I never knew you felt that way, I felt the same way but thought you didn’t care for me at all.”_

_“I’m just not good with words or at controlling my temper…”_

_“Then let’s not use words.”_

_Evan leans in for a kiss. He enjoys the kiss so much that he puts more of his weight onto Connor until he is laying on top of Connor on the park bench…_

Connor looked up and realized that he had wandered to the park and had almost made it to the bench in his imagination. He had left school before first period. He had just wandered out. His mother was going to be upset when the school called.

Connor sat down on the bench knowing that going back now wouldn’t change the amount of trouble he was in, so he had time to take a breath of fresh air before figuring out what he wanted to do instead of being at school. He ought to replenish his stash of pot while at the park, but then he remembered yesterday and how he had shoved Evan while he was high…maybe he should lay off pot for a little while.

Connor stared at the lake while he was slowly swarmed with guilt. He had bullied Evan and then Evan had wanted to go and kill himself. It was his fault.

 _No!_ Evan got in trouble for having the forged suicide note in his possession. He wanted Connor to know so that he could rub it in that he had written a pretty accurate letter that could have functioned as Connor’s suicide note and people could think that he wasn’t as bad after all. That Evan had made an easier out for him and he had rejected it.

Connor stood up and kicked the bench. What was Evan playing at? Was the letter from Evan’s mind and about himself or was it an invention to tell Connor to go and off himself? He needed answers.

He heard a helicopter flying overhead and looked up. Was it a life-light or something else? Ellis Medical was to the south of the park and the helicopter seemed to be…wait. He could go and demand answers from Evan. Hospitals allowed visitors. The principal wouldn’t be too mad to know that after his speech that Connor had gone straight to the hospital to visit Evan. He would still get in trouble, but it would be less trouble, right?

Connor was already on his way to the hospital.

 

“Hello, how may I help you?” The receptionist greeted when Connor entered the hospital.

“Um, my friend is here and I wanted to see him,” Connor lied. It wasn’t a real lie; he wanted to be Evan’s friend.

“What is your friend’s name?”

“He's on suicide watch. Evan, Evan Hansen,” Connor said, enjoying how nice Evan's name sounded on his lips.

“What’s your name?”

“Connor Murphy.”

Evan Hansen. Evan had a good name. It was such a beautiful name. There was just something poetic about his name. Connor didn’t have that himself. Connor Murphy was a horrible name. Who the fuck thought Connor and Murphy go together? His parents must have been smoking something. Connor Murphy totally sounded like the name of a school shooter.

“I’m sorry,” the receptionist replied after looking up something on the computer. “You are not on the list.”

“What list?”

“Our hospital policy is that people under suicide watch can only have immediate family members, guardians, or people they put on their list visit.”

“I’ve got to be on that list. He told the school to tell me what happened to him.”

“I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean you are on the list.”

“If someone asked him about me, he would tell them to put me on the list.”

“I’m sorry, I'm just the receptionist. I'm not allowed to suggest names for him to put on the list.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Connor said, turning up his theatrics. “I came here as soon as they told me so I could see how he was doing. I’ve got to see him.”

“I’m sorry, you are not allowed to see him,” the receptionist replied sternly. “If you don’t leave the premises immediately I will be forced to have security see you out.”

Connor didn’t want to get in trouble with the people at the hospital and stormed out.

 

Connor opened the garage door at his house and saw that his mother was gone. _Perfect._

There was only one interpretation of Evan wanting Connor to know he was in suicide watch and then not having him on the visit list. Evan had gotten in trouble for having the suicide note, wanted Connor to be aware of what happened, and then didn’t want to face an angered Connor.

Connor went on the computer, which he was grounded from, but no one was here to stop him, and wrote Evan an email.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. I survived opening weekend. Hopefully now I can get back to posting regularly. One thing I've learned about myself is that I'm inconsistent no matter what I try to do to make myself more consistent. Please enjoy.

**Author's Note:**

> If this looks familiar to my other fanfiction, that's because the other one was an earlier draft of this one. I'll keep both up because they are different enough and maybe it will help some aspiring writers to see someone else's process of going through drafts.
> 
> Let me know if you see any errors, think the rating is too low, can't hear the music, or think I missed any warnings in the tags. I hope you enjoy this new genre of writing.


End file.
